Me and my inner Mr. Hydes

Who would a Diva be without her demons? I guess she wouldn't be much of a Diva...

Not long ago - about a year and a half, if you want a precise timeline - I became suddenly aware of the fact that I was taking up a lot of space in the Universe. Literally.

Seventeen years ago I was so thin that my mom worried I would get into the other extreme. I had a model look, one that I now see taking shape again. It's still a long way from my 14 year-old looks, but at least it is ages away from my 30 year-old looks.

The funny thing about putting weight on, as said by one of my sisters in suffering (diet & EMS / mud wrappings colleague) is that you don't really see it... you just wake up one day that your jeans don't fit, or your favourite tee is tight around the places where it should be loose and so on...

At first, no one tells you anything. Then, when they finally decide to tell you they had to move your little brother to the other side of the table because of your huge butt, it seems to be too late.

It is not too late... It's never too late. It is only too late when your dead body is being placed in the grave that you dug with your own teeth... literally...

Yeah... who would a Diva be without the drama? LOL

This is the darkest of my Mr. Hydes. This is the guy I fight on a daily basis. He's a big jerk, but the thing is, I let him take over sometimes, because it feels so good when someone else makes the decisions. On the short term, he manages to make me happy and I forget about the stress or the worries or the quantity / quality of the work.

I just let him talk me into eating a piece of chocolate... more like an entire chocolate bar... I didn't put up a lot of fighting - I am sleepy, soft, bored and about to make friends with my other Mr. Hyde - lack of self-discipline...

You'd think these guys might be fighting for no 1... But no... they don't! They patiently wait their turn, because when one comes around to manipulate, the other one is right there waiting... "mmmm... you've had chocolate... aren't you just going to take a few minutes and daydream a little? just a little siesta, till the soft, sweet taste of the sugar goes away..."

That's it! I am taking up boxing, bozo! You can't come over and say these things to me!!! And yes, I wish I could sit around all day and eat chocolate and play games, but I have work to do... So, get out of my face and out of my mind, or else I will send you to such dark places in my mind you'll wish you never spoke to me!!! Ever!

Wow! It worked...

I am starting to get to know my inner Hydes. I am finding out their soft spots, and as I talk to them, I realize they think they're somehow protecting me. I am grateful for them, which is why I don't zap them into the outer space, but they have to understand that I am a big girl and I can take care of myself...

My inner Mr. Hyde responsible for the rest and relaxation just told me "Mph!" in a very indignant tone. I feel like a pupil caught cheating. He knows what he's saying and I will keep this little darling.

Do you know your Mr. Hydes? Have you ever talked to them?

the Diva way...

Hello, world!

I started this journey called life and living, to paraphrase a good and wise friend of mine - a Native woman, with a strong mind, a great determination and a heart of gold, 31 years ago...

I decided to become a diva somewhere around 2007... I was already acting as one - hot one moment, cold the next... Get your mind out of the gutter, people! It is not what you're thinking...

My diva attitude became mostly visible in my work. Its roots - when I get brave enough to go to a doctor (head doctor) - will probably be found in some terrible accident of my childhood, when I didn't get the toy I wanted or something... I don't know... Or maybe someone looked at me funny... No idea!

Anyway... Bygones!

Being a diva, for me, is being different. Acting up, acting out... Making noise! Being charming... Being bitchy... Having that wonderful, nice smile... but also the dagger hidden in your purse... Strange, I never have a purse with me, but I was told my tongue is poisoned...

What else? Going crazy... being loving... always funny... gentle and caring... giving it my very best... crying at silly rom-coms... hating Jennifer Aniston's looks... loving ice cream (especially because it is so bad for me and it won't get me closer to Jennifer Aniston's body - God, I hate that!)... working my butt off... dancing the night away... being passionate about everything - whether it is a project at work or a small fling...

Right now, I feel soft and pleasant... I am willing to just chill. I'd like some ice-cream... Jennifer Aniston's body!!! LOL

The point is... anyone can be a Diva... Being a diva is more like being yourself... that self you do not want  people to see, unless they've signed a prenup and a confidentiality agreement beforehand... That self you sometimes kiss in the morning in the mirror, because you just can't get enough of you! That self that most times stays hidden, because showing her (or him... Who says guys can't be divas? Look at Charlie Sheen!!!) to the world would be like sending a 24 ton of C4 load straight into the White House...

This is about being who you are, at all times. That is the Diva way... Screw the critics - no one has ever built a statue to any of them! Screw the gossip! If anyone talks about how you act, you should be grateful... Think of how empty their lives are, if they have time to dissect yours... Screw the imitators! They'll never be able to fully act like you do... And screw the hypocrites! Who cares what they think, anyway?

Nothing beats being a Diva... except maybe having a little bit of chocolate covered vanilla ice cream...

1 year later

This time last year, I was embarking on a trip towards better health and smaller dress sizes...

I wasn't exactly a blue whale, more like a baby blue whale... or an elephant...

On October 7th (actually about a month earlier, I had called the doctor's office) I had my appointment with the doc. She was fat - still is... It was something I had been warned of by the lady who recommended her to me. Not weird, considering all the illnesses that can cause extreme body changes, so I didn't think of it.

I started the diet on a Monday -  October 11th 2010. That was also the day when I started the electro-shocks and mud wrappings (EMS and fango, as the ladies at the clinic call them - it is all the same for me).

A year later, in a formal, fully organized type of diet, I can honestly tell you one thing: losing the weight and keeping it off is not about the diet. It's not even about the sport. It is about a complete make-over, especially up in the attic - your brains has to want it, has to know you want it, otherwise it is one long string of days of you telling yourself "Manana!" or "Tomorrow is another day!"... Oh, yeah! The Scarlett syndrome - I am proficient in it...

When you're not sure why you're doing this whole journey and your mind is not aligned with everything else, the following stages should happen - sound familiar?
1) excitement - "Of course I'm gonna do this! So easy!"
My period of excitement went on for about a month. It coincided with the month when all the excess water left my body... Woohoo!!!
I didn't think anything could stop me, I could see results and frankly, I thought I could walk past the best-smelling restaurant and just say: "you've got nothing here that interests me!"

2) getting used to - "Routine..."
I started to ignore the signs that appeared in months 2 and 3. The less results showed, the more frustrated I got. I never seemed to be able to lose all those 3,5 kilos in 2 weeks that my doctor was telling me I should lose and one day, I told her: "look, I know what I am supposed to lose... give me a f***ing break, ok?"

3) that tiny, tiny slip-up - "Rust"
It happened every once in a while and usually not for more than one meal. Actually kicked in around Christmas, when I had a special diet. I could eat some cake instead of the usual banana or apple.
And it reminded me of the times when I ate like a... I won't say what... cow... I took off and went to my home and spent the holidays by myself.

4) the end of the world - "Ruin"
You're stagnating. You're going to the weekly EMS and mud wraps and you look at the scale and the mf is not moving from XX kilos. And you go: what the hell? why am I doing this? who am I kidding? I am never going to lose the weight!!!" because your doc says just go running and do some elliptical bike - no hard stuff...
Is it any wonder than any negative beliefs might come a-kockin'?
I don't think so...

And then maybe disaster happens - you lose a loved one, or you get divorced or your boyfriend says "bye-bye!" and you find refuge in food, like you always did... Or maybe you have that extra stressful job or that crazy move or what not... And it just seems like such a simple excuse...

According to the plan I had made a year ago, I was supposed to be a top model right now...  But that plan was not aligned, was just that... I approached the weight loss as a project - as I am a project manager by training... But I forgot the first and foremost rule in project management and that is a plan is worth nothing without the action.

I must have lost at least 160 kilos since I started... Honestly... And if I add all the times that I said "I want to lose 20 kilos", I could probably end up with a small iceberg, a truck full of rotten fish or the equivalent of an airplane's weight - passengers included...

And I am not even that big, really. Ok, so my ass was the size of China... it is now reduced to about 60% of it... which is rather sad, because 16 years ago, it was a normal size, God damnit!

1 year later, I am celebrating... Really... rumballs... I have been back on diet for 4 weeks, I see the changes again, I feel better, I breathe more easily. In 1 year, I was supposed to lose 22 kilos - I lost 14 and I put back 9. On the bright side, I did lose a lot of centimeters & dress sizes, but still - I wanna get on that scale and see results.

I won't let it kill me to get there - I have this happy constitution that does not allow me any such extremes... and I can't make myself puke... Big points for me on that one!

What's next?
- new plan
- new attitude towards the plan
- new purpose
- new people holding me accountable
- f**k project management!
- one day at a time...

A post New Year's in the life of the Diva - the love Q & A

I recall this as much for me, as for my friends and relatives suffering break-ups right at this moment. They're such a bitch! (Break-ups, I mean...)

There I am, 3rd or 4th of January, all alone in my best friend's apartment, with 0 (zero) food and hungry as hell... The peanuts were on the floor for some reason... :-)

I was younger and felt in love... It took me a while and a few really nasty moments to realize I was, in fact, more or less in love with an idea. 

But I loved every friggin' minute of it!

I'm sitting at Anca's computer and putting together a post, while eating the leftovers from last year - peanuts, bon-bons and maybe I'll get to the crackers too, but I don't think so...

Did I tell you I tried to relax? Maybe the annoying guy was right and I needed to relax...

Well, it didn't do me any good, as I still feel very much stressed by the fact that my... love project... yep, it's as good a notion as any... does not reply to me in the same way...

Warning! I have a feeling this blog will become more about love than work... or maybe it will just cover the main ideas... Don't know...

Anyway... one of those stupid questions... IF we keep trying and IF we give it enough time, will he love me as much as I love him... Hypothetically speaking, of course... Love is merely beginning to take shape here...

Answer: NO.

Stupid question no. 2: He is sooo perfect and well, I am so me... Or the other way around: I am sooo perfect and he is so... himself... Will it work?

Answer: Ok, that is a good question... How hard are we willing to try?

Stupid question no. 3: I like him, but feel he is double-crossing me...

Answer: Well, he probably is... Wait, was there a question coming????

This could, of course, go on forever... Women! It's so like us to blow things out of proportions... The thing is, he hasn't texted me in 2 days and I am starting to get one of those ugly headaches and want to murder him... What the hell is he doing? Ok, so I guess I like him big time... Enough to long for a sign from him...That's cute... I haven't felt like this in ages... It's like something hit me over the head or something.

And the thing is, I would really like to get to know all of him... Like I have tried to show him my history, what I was like as a baby, or growing up. That is important. Like I wanted to be his friend, to get to know his likes and dislikes... And all I get is more headaches and a even greater determination to get things out of him, one way or the other... 

MOVING ON TO CHOCOLATES!!! Gosh, this is serious! 

I read in one of the astrological analyses that I found on the net that the way to my heart is through my head... I'm, of course, a Gemini... A very typical one... Even a not so bright guy (ok, so my choices so far were not the best ones and of course I had a low opinion of my former dates, after I dated them,  but this guy sure sounds bright...) would get the message... I can be surprising, I can go along with the stupidest / craziest / funniest plan, I can be versatile, or I can try all this, just give me something to work on!!! 

Which brings me to stupid question no... I've lost count... Is he the one? Sure, he brought in some good aspects of our thing (it's a good name for this) that I have not really grasped (since, you know, I was dreaming so much)... But they are not insurmountable... (I love that word)

Parenthesis... I saw this movie where there was this trial and people were looking for "however"... Like, if things were bad and the decision not satisfying to the interested party, they would pray for a "however". And in the end, there is this huge speech, with a good "however" and a bad "however" and then another good "however" and in the end, they all live happily ever after, because that is how things end up in US movies... However... 

In this particular case, I feel that the "however" and "what if" and "maybe" are far more annoying than in a movie... I worry that he is only playing... Stopped worrying about me playing... I hate the side of me that wants to play with people's feelings and emotions, that likes to dare them, that is not serious about things... Although, I can never really be serious about something very serious. I don't think he likes that and for him, I would try to be serious about this serious issue, for starters... I'll try to be... But I think it is best I keep a humorous side of things, just in case I need to end it with a smile... The thought of him gives me a large array of sensations. If at a certain point, I was inclined to wipe the smile off his face, now I am dreaming! Yuk! 

There's definitely something either very wrong or very right here...

Well, that is it... I need to relax!!!

M

The fragrance of a Diva

This is not my first blog. I started writing my first blog on Yahoo! 360, ages ago. I still have it and still go through what I posted there a lifetime ago.

Then, after an almost 4-year break, I started writing one professional blog in my own language.

Then, bored with the professional, I started writing something that crosses time management and life lessons and some of the fiction I dream of publishing...

But none of these seem like the right place to write about perfume... :-)

I grew up in a world where if you had Rexona, you were set. Funny to remember that now, but it was the way things were. I didn't have Rexona... But I had this lovely fragrance called "Farmec" - Charm, in English. I loved the violet one - it was as dark and mysterious as I felt.

I got my first real perfume at the beginning of this millenium. I don't remember the year. It was Envy from Gucci. My aunt gave it to me and I thought it was the best thing I had ever smelled, although it gave me headaches.

It lasted quite some time. I got my next fragrance in 2006, circa April or May. It was Omnia Crystalline from Bulgari. I loved this one - didn't give me any headaches and was just this side of sweet.

And then, at some point in 2007, after I finished Omnia, I finally got my life's perfume... one that is mixed with my blood... one that people say: "Oh, it has to be M! She's the only one who wears this perfume like this!"... one that is imprinted in my pillows... You get the idea... :-)

Somewhere in 2007, I bought my first Burberry London. And since then, it's been Burberry London or Brit for me. Nothing else.

I don't know why this particular perfume makes me feel like I rule the world. It may be because it starts off strong and fills the air with the scents of rich woods and exotic flowers, and then gradually tones down to more discreet fragrances... It's maybe because of its sweetness and strength, humour and joy - it just seems like a very happy perfume to me. It's the elegance. The attitude. The richness of it.

Why Diva, Inc.?

Hello, world!

It takes a long time for Divas to get to it, which is what happened with me. I wanted to post this a while back, but I got sidetracked by my many activities and basically by procrastination over the weekend.

I have had the pleasure of meeting quite a number of Divas in my day - I am not that old, so occasions keep rising. But until a while ago, no one mentioned that I was a Diva.

So, I am thinking... Ok, what in the world is a Diva, anyway?

According to Webster(www.webster.com), a diva is a "prima donna" or a " usually glamorous and successful female performer or personality <a fashion diva>; especially : a popular female singer <pop divas>"...

If I were to go by this definition, I do not fit the mark... I've kept my singing to myself for longer than I can remember, and my fashion taste even creeps my imaginary Vampire cat friend, Gilda.

But I love the way the whole word sounds, so I decided to heck with it, I want to be a diva and I am going to re-define it till it fits me.

Moi, as the Diva-in-the-making have my very own teachers to thank: Mama, Inc. (and now you see who's inspiring my blog name),  my African Mama and some other hot mamas I met and know mostly virtually.

And this is a tribute to all these beautiful ladies, whom I almost never get to thank enough for being my friends in the one place where all our thoughts meet and resonate.

Much love to you, my Divas!

Viva la Diva!

Mysterious. Strong. Cool. Unapproachable. Manipulative. Bitchy. Hard-headed. Elegant.

Open. Easy-going. Loud. Sweet. Girly. Naive. Childish. Spoiled.

Natural. Honest. Tough. Caring. Kind. Bold. Imaginative.

Fire. Ice. Storm. Breeze. Love. Hate. Strength. Weakness. Tears. Smiles.

Drama. Hurt. Jealousy. Passion. Bliss.

Laughter. Happiness. Joy. Pretend. Act. Strange. Dream. Attitude.